Are you “shoulding” yourself to a stressful life?
Author: Yuhao Miao, CCC, RP (Q)
February, 20, 2025
“Self-talk isn’t just communication—it shapes our reality.”
As the long weekend ends, I reflect on what I’ve accomplished—and what I haven’t. The article I’ve been working on is still sitting untouched, waiting to be completed. I had the whole weekend to work on it, yet here I am, realizing that I spent much of my time binge-watching The Witch instead. The first thought that immediately popped into my head? "I should have worked on the article instead of binging on The Witch. I’ve been slacking and not staying on top of my personal goals." And with that thought came a rush of subtle but unmistakable emotions: shame and disappointment.
Sound familiar?
How often do you say or think of the word “should”? Please do me a favour, take a moment and reflect on how you feel emotionally and cognitively when using words like should, must, or ought to.
“I should eat healthier.”
“I should sleep earlier.”
“I should clean my house more often.”
At first, “should” statements might seem harmless—perhaps even motivating, encouraging discipline and a sense of responsibility. But in reality, the word “should” often brings with it an unspoken burden that can take a toll on our mental health over time. It can lead to stress, emotional burnout, chronic procrastination (yes, surprisingly, but unsurprisingly), and negative self-view. Many of us have been there: we set high expectations for ourselves, and when we inevitably fall short, guilt and frustration quickly follow.
The Psychology of “Should”
Please allow me to be nerdy about the concept.
“Should statement” is a common cognitive distortion frequently mentioned in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that involves setting rigid or unrealistic expectations for ourselves, others, or the world around us. Cognitive distortions profoundly and negatively influence psychological well-being by shaping how individuals interpret their experiences and themselves. The impact of these distortions goes beyond momentary discomfort, as they can erode emotional resilience (Fauziah Zaiden et al., 2023).
When individuals repeatedly engage in distorted thinking, it reinforces a cycle of self-criticism, internalized shame, and avoidance behaviours, such as procrastination. This cycle not only prevents adaptive coping but also undermines self-esteem and confidence, making it harder to navigate challenges effectively. Over time, cognitive distortions can impede personal growth by fostering a fixed mindset, making individuals more likely to believe they are incapable of change or success.
How "Should" Affects Us Negatively
Creating guilt and shame
According to Higgins's (1987) self-discrepancy theory, guilt and shame often emerge when there is a misalignment between an individual's true self and their ideal self (the person they aspire to be) or their ought self (the person they feel obligated to be based on external expectations) (Higgins, 1987 cited in Strauman, 1996). The ideal and ought self are products of socialization, cultural norms, and personal experiences, including introjection of social standards, parental and authority influences, medial and cultural representations, peer and community expectations, etc.
Conditional Self-Worth
This term suggests that individuals often tie their self-worth to meeting specific conditions (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001). These conditions are often shaped by internalizing external expectations, such as academic achievements, career success, or the approval of others. The word "should" plays a crucial role in reinforcing this concept, implying an obligation to meet those expectations to feel worthy. For example, when someone constantly thinks, “I should be more successful in being valuable," their self-worth becomes contingent on fulfilling these imposed standards, leaving them vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism when they fall short. This cycle of attaching worth to “shoulds" can lead to anxiety, stress, and a diminished sense of self.
Perfectionism & unrealistic expectations
When someone tells oneself, “ I should be more productive” or “ I should make no mistakes,” the person often sets up a standard that is difficult, if not impossible, to meet consistently. This can fuel perfectionism, which can lead to exhaustion and being counterproductive. Additionally, "should" represents a rigid, all-or-nothing way of thinking. It implies a perfect standard that may not always align with reality. If you have ever felt anxious before a job interview, you might hear an inner voice whispering, “I should have all the right answers, and everything should go perfectly, or the interviewer will think I’m not good enough.” This pressure can lead to self-doubt, unnecessary stress, and even last-minute panic.
Procrastination and avoidance
The word "should" can often lead to procrastination and avoidance because it creates a sense of pressure and obligation rather than motivation or choice (Sirois, 2023). When someone feels they should do something, it can trigger resistance and overwhelm, especially if the task feels too demanding, daunting, or if there’s fear of not doing it perfectly. The expectation that “I should do this right now" can make the task feel more like a burden than a personal choice, leading to a delay in action as the individual tries to avoid the discomfort or anxiety associated with it.
How to Be Free from the "Should" Trap
So, how do we stop “shoulding” ourselves into stress? Here are some tips I’d love to share with you:
Reframe as a Choice: Instead of thinking, “I should eat healthier," say, “I choose to eat healthier because it benefits my well-being." This shift emphasizes that you're making a choice, not fulfilling an obligation.
Replace "should" with "could": Instead of saying “I should exercise," try “I could exercise because it makes me feel good." This change makes the decision feel more flexible, not forced.
Set Realistic Goals: Recognize when you're placing impossible demands on yourself. Break down big tasks into manageable steps and celebrate small wins. For example, instead of thinking, “I should clean the entire house," aim for “I could clean one room today."
Challenge Unhelpful Beliefs: Reflect on whether your “shoulds" are based on your true desires or societal pressures. Ask yourself, “Is this something I truly want, or is it what I feel I’m supposed to do?" Identifying the source of these expectations helps you understand whether they align with your values.
Focus on Values: Shift your focus from external expectations to core values. When making decisions, consider what truly matters to you, not just what society or others expect. For instance, rather than "I should be more successful," focus on “I choose to prioritize personal growth and happiness."
Give yourself some compassion: When you catch yourself saying, “I should have done better," change it to “I did my best with the circumstances I had." This helps you be kinder to yourself, acknowledging effort instead of focusing on perfection.
Final Thoughts:
We are not advocating for avoiding our responsibilities altogether. We have obligations to fulfill as part of society, and it's essential to recognize the importance of meeting these responsibilities. However, the key is approaching them in a way that aligns with our values and personal goals rather than feeling burdened by external expectations. The next time you catch yourself saying “should,” take a moment to pause. Ask yourself: Is this thought truly helping me, or is it just adding unnecessary pressure? Language isn’t just communication—it shapes our reality. By shifting away from rigid “should” statements/ self-talk and embracing a more flexible, compassionate mindset, we can reduce stress and live with greater ease and intention.
What are some “should” statements you’ve been holding onto? Maybe it’s time to let them go.
References:
Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.108.3.593
Fauziah Zaiden, Mastura Mahfar, Aslan Amat Senin, & Faizah Mohd Fakhruddin. (2023). Global research pattern of cognitive distortion: A bibliometric analysis. SAGE Open, 13(4), 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1177/21582440231219658
Sirois, F. M. (2023). Procrastination and stress: A conceptual review of why context matters. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(6), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20065031
Strauman, T. J. (1996). Stability within the self: A longitudinal study of the structural implications of self-discrepancy theory. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1142–1153. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.71.6.1142